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Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Space Paranoid's LiveJournal:

Monday, July 30th, 2001
11:46 am
Coming down with Space Madness.
I have a suuspic ion that Im coming down with an case of space m,adnees.

I feel all twithcy and keep sseeing things oujt of the corner of my ey.e.
\
I gassed up the portable flame thrower- so i canm defend my self.

Smeared vasolinme all over my body, thaty way thety cnat use thier jheat vison on me.

wait.

they're coming.
Monday, July 9th, 2001
1:20 pm
Ultimate Food Battle Weekend
I went overboard with the whole taste-testing thing and have decided to take a break.

For those who are counting, here are winners from this weekend's festivities.

Clash of the Fruit - Mango
Vegetable Mayhem - Squash (cooked)
Dessert Battle - tie Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies and Chocolate Brownies
Breakfast Cereal Smackdown - pre '90s Trix
Battle of the Beef - Prime Rib
Condiment Showdown - Mayonnaise
Dairy to the Death - Sour Cream
Dip or Die - Hummus
Soup Insanity - Ramen
The Ultimate Antacid Showdown - Tums (Tropical Fruit Flavor)

I need to digest for a month or so.
Friday, July 6th, 2001
9:41 am
The best nut.
I've tackled a new ongoing project.

Since I have access to a planet's worth of stores in my cargo bay, I've decided to try every food-stuff known to man and determine which I like best.

Last evening was the Legume Battle. After sampling over 500 varieties of nut. I've come to the conclusion that the pistachio IS the best nut (judged by taste, texture and overall nutty satisfaction).

Don't even try stepping with that Macadamia noise.

I ain't hearing it.
Thursday, July 5th, 2001
1:17 pm
Space Madness
Haven't logged in quite a while.

The ship drifted through an ion cloud spewed from a small sun and things went sorta crazy.

I started hallucinating big time. It started with just colors and streaks and stuff, then grew to full on visual and aural manifestations. The last thing I remember was running into the French Fry Guys while on my way to the Engineering Bay to have my goldfish Bar Mitzvaed.

Can't remember much else for the next week or so. Last night when the ship finally cleared the radiation, I came to. I was naked except for my socks and bow tie and slathered in tar-tar sauce.

I'm still making strange discoveries regarding my lost time. Apparently while out of my mind I built what looks to be the world's largest pillow fort.

I'm talking multi-story. I never realized that I had such a gift for couch cushion architecture.
Friday, June 15th, 2001
3:41 pm
Ouch.
I think I screwed up my back in the hypersleep pod. It's killing me. Gonna have to do some zero-g yoga or something, because this pain is intolerable.
Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
2:40 pm
Too Much Hypersleep
Just spent the last three days or so in hypersleep. Came out with some serious eye crust, and feel overly exhausted as opposed to refreshed.

I guess a long weekend in a cryo-tank is better than moping around in a dirty bathrobe eating cold pop tarts.

Had a strange dream in the tank. I was on a date back on earth with a pleasant young woman. Dinner and conversation. Suddenly, the spaceworm appeared in my napkin. It was dead, but shiny and wetquite gross as a matter of fact. I rolled the disgusting beast into the dinner napkin and tried to finish my pork chops, but was a tad unsettled for the rest of the meal.

Weird, huh?

After all that sleep, I have a ton of ship maintenance to see to.
Thursday, June 7th, 2001
4:19 pm
Cavity Scan
The search for the mysterious space worm continues.

Falula was kind enough to suggest that the worm may have crawl its way into my butt, a possibility I hadn't previously considered.

Just spent the last 18 hours in the medical bay.

The Roborectal scan came up negative, as did the Anal X-ray.

You'd figure that since we've mastered space travel that someone would be able to come up with a non-invasive way to search for a space worm in a guys ass that didn't take all night and hurt so damn much.

Anyway, back to the drawing board.
Thanks for trying, Falula.

p.s. Still no message from the Mars guy. I don't think he's coming.
Wednesday, June 6th, 2001
3:46 pm
Rescued?
Since I began logging in my space journal, random contacts have been pouring in...

Just today, an anonymous being claimed to have passed by my coordinates on his way to Mars. He said that he would be sure to rendezvous with me on my return trip.

My initial reaction was total excitement. I cruised around the cabin hooting and hollering, then started fantasizing about fresh fruit juice (not frozen concentrate).

Problem is, I'm not sure how much I can trust this strange person.

After browsing other Live Journal entries, I'm not sure who can be trusted.
Many of these entries seem faked.
This guy claims to be a redneck, but after cross-referencing his musical taste with the average cultural knowlege of the average bible belter, LYNN (my onboard supercomputer) says that the odds of him being genuine trailer trash are 15,532 to 1.

I find this Darktrain quite funny, but his site entries are a real eye-opener for me. I've decided never to take anything on these pages at face value.

I know that's a pretty cynical point of view, but I have serious problems. I'm lost in space, drifting well beyond charted territory. I can't afford to let people get my hopes of rescue up, only to dash them to pieces, like so many attack ships bursting to flame off the shouler of Orion.

Oh, well. Maybe I will be saved. I'm not gonna hold my breath though.

BTW, That strange worm I found in the asteroid fragments outside the ship has vanished. When I went to check the sample case, it was empty. The package was never breeched, because the freshness button hadn't popped out, but the package was empty. It must have dissolved or phased out of our dimension, or maybe It was just a figment of my imagination.

Mental note: Ask Lynn to research the syptoms of Space Madness.
Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
5:10 pm
Two contacts in a day!
Strange.

After weeks of distress signals, nothing. Then today, two responses - strangely they both came here in my log as opposed to the more traditional sub-space radio.

I ask that anyone who somehow recieves this message please forward my data to the proper authorities.

I'd rather not drift out here in space forever.

Oh, shit. I totally forgot about that little vacuum-worm I found outside the ship. It must still be in my spacesuit pocket.

Gotto go.

>DISTRESS TEXT FOLLOWS>
.../..BEACON SIGNAL
ENCODE_DECRYPT_SEND
COORD: 45NMx,98DCy,01XRz
/CRAFT: SPARROW_CARGOCLASS./PTRBLT
/STATUS: NOM<
/REGISTRY: OMINCORP; VEGA
/PILOT: ANTONIOUS J. FLYNN
MSG:/..
ENGINES DOWN< CARGO SAFE<
PLS SEND HELP, FRESH PRODUCE<
AJF....
......./.BEACON SIGNAL
2:02 pm
Took a walk.
Suited up and left the ship to check out those strange rocks

I set the airlock on auto, but leaving the ship still makes me a little nervous. I know that its impossible to be locked out, but I can't help but think that my suit only has 4 or 5 hours worth of air. That's not much and way too much if you know what I mean. A doomed guy could really sweat for 4 hours while waiting to asphyxiate.

I digress. The rocks looked liked a crushed asteroid, mainly carbon, chunks of iron, some ice. I could see no damage to the hull.

I scanned the floating mass of rock for bio-mass and came up positive. Closer inspection showed one of the rocks to be covered with small worm like creatures. Put one in a vacuum-sample container and headed back to the ship.

Was about to start worrying over the airlock when I became distracted by a nearby nebula, actually the way the purplish light from the cloudy wisps of the formation reflected off the portholes and micro-particle pocked steel of the Sparrow. I spaced out for a while, just staring at the bizarre beauty of it all, then got a sudden craving for Ben and Jerry's.

I'm chowing on some Chunky Monkey right now.
11:18 am
Strange night.
Last night I dreamt that zillions of tiny robot unicorns had infested the ship. They didn't cause any damage, but once in a while I would step on one, which would hurt (because of the horn) then make me feel really bad, since there's nothing sadder than a dead, squashed unicorn.

When I woke up, my cabin was all fogged up and the proximity alarm was beeping. There are some weird asteroids/particles drifting just off the aft fuselage. I'll have to do a walk later today to see what's up.
Monday, June 4th, 2001
3:53 pm
All hydraulics inoperable...
I'm adrift, nearly ten light years off course. Have given up monitoring emergency band sub-space. Nobody's there.

The cargo hold is full of White Castle microwavable burgers, so there's plenty to eat, but for some reason the only cartridge my NES will play is that crappy T&C Surf game.

I spend half the day blowing into the Metroid cart, praying that it will boot.
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